story title - My Sweet Potato Girlfriend.
story author - cbp4815.
reviewer - ranee eeyo eyoo ! ★ / iamaninjadude.
requested at http://simply-epic.blogspot.com/
sticky note - please don't be offended if the statements below are too harsh. they're only given for the author's improvements. thank you for requesting at our site.
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13 / 15 ( title )
▐ Sorry, but I just have to subtract two points and I'm gonna tell you why. The "Sweet Potato" was explicit, no worries about that. Seohyun is the sweet potato addict, she loves sweet potatoes and she shall be the Sweet Potato person. But the Girlfriend part? Yes, I've read the part where Yonghwa falls for her and she gains an attraction for Kyuhyun but the girlfriend part had not appeared yet whatsoever.
15 / 20 ( storyline / plot )
▐ I couldn't really say whether the plot is good or not. We're not yet at the point where Seohyun becomes someone's "sweet potato" girlfriend so maybe I wouldn't deduct points. Instead, I shall base it with what we already have so far. Okay, so I got the idea that her parents are the ones who are paying for the rent since they won't kick her out if it was already bought. The beginning was quite unique and would really lure readers to read your story, so great job on that one! I also like how Yonghwa fell for her at first sight. Then they haven't talked that much, here comes Kyuhyun, the other love interest! But oh no, Kyuhyun has a crush on Jessica! Omona, what will happen now?! Although I found a couple of mistakes in the plot.
* (Chapter 1) Seohyun's mom felt dumbfounded even though her dad said he wants to see Seohyun. Dumbfounded means confused or astonished. If I my parents want to see me, I'm sure they wouldn't feel confused about it. Maybe, they feel excited or happy.
* (Chapter 4) The narrator described Jessica with long blonde hair, but I can't see a girl with blonde hair in the poster.
* (Chapter 8) According to Yonghwa, Seohyun begged for him to stay. Actually, it didn't sound like it since she just said "No no, it's okay." You could have changed "I couldn't resist her begging so I stayed" to "She was okay with me being around her, so I stayed."
* I was also confused with the Chokim Farm part. Jessica suddenly remembered about the Chokin Farm but in the previous chapters, it mentioned nothing about the Chokim farm and/or how it is related to Jessica. You could have added a part where Seohyun asks about the Chokim farm, and Jessica replies with "oh, it's a place I really miss. Some of my good friends work there."
* Last one is how Seohyun's plushie is described as sweet potato. Sweet is used to describe flavor, not appearance. So if you really think about it, her plushie is a potato-shaped doll that has sweet potato taste on it. Maybe, you could describe it as an animated/cartoon sweet potato.
6 / 10 ( grammar, punctuation, vocabulary, spelling )
▐ My favorite part of the review. Your mistakes are all similar so I wouldn't point all of them. You don't have to ask for a beta-reader anyway. You're good with tenses although you forget to add spaces in between sentences.
["When they were 10 minutes away from parking,no one but Seohyun's parents noticed a plane coming towards here!They told everyone but people wouldn't believe them.When they reached the pilot,it was too late." (Chapter 1)]
Let's change this whole sentence, shall we? Landing could have been more appropriate for parking, since it's for planes. Planes don't really park, but they land from flight. Also, be aware on the proper spacings for quotation marks. So let's add all of these and ta-da! ["When they were 10 minutes away from landing, Seohyun's parents noticed another plane coming towards them! They told everyone but they wouldn't believe them. When they reached the pilot, it was too late."]
["Where are hey?"Seohyun thought. (Chapter 2)]
Minor typo mistake. ["Where are they?" Seohyun thought.]
["She waited paitently for another 20 minutes yet they still didn't land." (Chapter 2)]
People don't land. They do if they're inside an airplane.I think we're looking for the a more appropriate word like arrive. Also, the 'yet' and 'but' do have differences when you use them. ["She waited paitently for another 20 minutes but they still haven't arrived yet."]
["Anneyongsayo,"I welcomed. "Anneyongsayo,"she repeated. (Chapter 2)]
You say Annyeonghaseyo when you greet someone formally. The attendant didn't repeat her greeting, she just responded with the same statement. Also, you only welcome people when they're at your place. So let's change it to a more applicable statement. ["Annyeonghaseyo," I greeted. "Annyeonghaseyo," she replied.]
["I accepted her apoligy and left." (Chapter 2)]
Another minor typo mistake. No big deal. ["I accepted her apology and left."]
[She walked up to Seohyun and asked,"Is this your plushie?"
He answered,"Well the owners of this house died in a plane crash two days ago." (Chapter 3)]
You only capitalize a letter if it's a proper noun or the beginning of the sentence.
[She walked up to Seohyun and asked, "is this your plushie?"
He answered, "well, the owners of this house died in a plane crash two days ago."]
["This room is daebak!"I told her. (Chapter 7)]
I'm not saying this is completely wrong, it's just that I don't think daebak is the best word for this one. Daebak means big win or success, usually used for competitions or challenges.
8 / 15 ( appearance, appeal )
▐ Not to offend the designer but the poster is not that appealing. It's the poster that will attract the readers. Hhm, let me think of less meaner word, uhm... the poster is a bit unorganized. Let's take it this way; what if the reader is not familiar with Seohyun being the "sweet potato girlfriend?" They might think that the main character is the other girl (Jessica) in the poster. The protagonist should be the picture that will attract the most attention since the story is about her. Seohyun should be larger than the others, at least. The background color didn't support the poster either. Let's just say purple and yellow are far related from each other.
5 / 5 ( originality )
▐ From my point of view, this is an original story. The couple might be copied from a fandom (Seohyun & Yonghwa couple of KBS' We Got Married) but it is a fan-fiction only. Uhm, the other original part of this story that I absolutely adored you about is where Jessica is not the mean person. Not that you're the first one who made her the not-bitchy best friend, I just find it interesting. Kekeke. Not that I adore Jessica either, but that doesn't matter. Perfect score for you! :)
3/ 5 ( creativity )
▐ When I see the word creativity, I look at the possible exciting factors that the author could have added in the story. In yours, I think it's the part where her parents died at the very beginning of the story and now we read further to see the adventures of our dear Seohyun and her sweet potato addiction. I didn't spot any wow factor, neither did I see a boring slash lame chapter so I shall give you a 3.
9 / 10 ( characterization )
▐ I really can't say whether you did a good job on this one or not. Like what I've mentioned before, the story is still on its beginning stage where everyone is being introduced. Maybe I should give you points for making Jessica a cool, angelic friend, more with how the typical I-hate-my-brother/sister that's going on between Jessica and Yonghwa. I find it so cliche yet entertaining! I suggest you continue letting them fight until the very end of the story. The part where Jaejoong was being direct when he said Kyuhyun is his adopted brother. Does he want the whole world to know that he's adopted? So I suggest this:
"Hi, I'm Jaejoong and this is my brother, Kyuhyun," he introduced. "He's adopted, by the way. You might notice it since we don't look alike."
The story haven't developed that far yet I'm loving all five of the characters. I suggest that if you're gonna add more characters, that could be Seohyun's possible friends in the future once she gets money for school or another friend that works in the farm. If you add more twists, it could be complicated and harder to understand, but it's up to you.
5 / 5 ( writing style )
▐ I never judge a person's writing style. 5 points for you :)
5 / 7 ( speed, flow )
▐ It's too slow if you're gonna look at it by chapters. You're now in chapter 12 yet there still no 'wow' event that made me scream or excite me. It's also too fast, every chapter something is happening and it's not that detailed. I'll give you 5 points for that.
7 / 8 ( total enjoyment )
▐ Not a big fan of the characters but I enjoyed reading it. 7 points for you!
3 / 3 ( bonus )
▐ ★★★.
total = 79 / 100